Yesterday, I went over to the Hero Race Car Driver’s house, to get my oil change and cut his hair. That’s right I cut his hair. “Do you have any experience or training with this?” you might ask. After I reply no, you might inquire as to WHY I cut his hair. The answer is, because he’s to cheap to go get a hair cut. That’s right $1000 on new race tires, no big deal. Ten bucks on a hair cut, way too much. That’s just to give you a taste of Hero logic.
Upon arriving at his house, I was fussed at for leaving the truck running. Yes I know the oil needed to cool off in order to be able to change it, but I thought he would need to move the Fireo in order to put the truck in the right place, close to the garage. He did, but I was still supposed to shut it off first. Starting to see the picture? Wait it gets better. We wait around for about 20 minutes for the truck to cool. Did I mention that I have a sinus infection and really just want to be home in bed? Well I did to him too, at which time I received the ‘everything I do for you and this is the crap I get’ lecture. He’s right, I shut up.
Once he started the process, I decided to walk the 13 houses down to the corner store to get a Diet Dr. Pepper (what else?), well really just to make myself scarce. Upon returning, I find he has emptied the oil into a bucket and kicked it over. The Hero is a NEAT FREAK, (you can accurately guess here that I did not inherit this quality). So he spends the next 45 minutes cleaning up the oil spill. I know this is necessary, so at this point, I go inside to watch City Confidential.
I come out and the oil is changed and he’s cleaning up. I offer to help, and start picking things up. The hero gets a phone call and proceeds to talk while cleaning. No big deal right? Wrong! He’s not looking and runs straight into me with the bucket of left over oil. Yep, all over my favorite shorts. Thanks Dad. I go into his house grab a tee shirt, and put it on like a skirt.
Now I’m in his driveway wearing the neck of the tee around my waist and scrubbing my shorts with 409, WD40, a scrub brush and the garden hose, while praying for the stain removal gods to smile upon me. They do after another 20 minutes of spraying, scrubbing, spraying, and scrubbing, you get the picture.
We finally get the stains out, garage picked up, and the driveway cleaned up. So it’s time to cut hair right? Say it with me now, ‘Wrong’. NOW the Hero’s hair is too wet to cut. Being the hair expert he is, he’s decided that his hair must dry off first. I thought I was the one cutting the hair. (Read another 20 minutes.) Now I’ve been at the Hero’s house for an hour and a half for a 15 minute oil change and a 10 minute hair cut and I haven’t even started the hair cut.
I finish watching City Confidential and its back out to the garage to set up for the hair cut. That’s right; EVERYTHING must be set up for the Hero Race Car Driver’s world. The fan placed just so, the stool adjusted to the proper height, there, now I can start, right? (One more time) Wrong. Then starts the directions on how to cut his hair that I cut every month, THE SAME WAY. “Trim around the ears, clean up the back and take a good bit off the top up here,” said complete with hand gestures. Well, I never listen to this because I know that’s not really what he wants. If I do that, he’ll say it’s not enough and I have to do it again. If I just cut it finger length all over and shape the ears and back he’s happy. But I actually listened and did just what he asked this time because he repeated the directions 3, count them 3 times. And, yes I am a dumb ass. It takes less than 5 minutes to do exactly what he asks, at which time he declares it not short enough, but that’s okay because he’s tired I can just cut it again next week.
Great, what ever, at least I can go home now and get dinner started, right? You know what to say here ‘——’. He still has to put the air filter in that he cleaned and has been letting dry in the sun. So the Hero picks up the filter sprays some kind of sticky filter helper crap on it and goes to reinstall it. But wait. He has sprayed the wrong side and now has to re-clean, and dry said filter before it can be reinstalled. I go back in to watch T.V. I am SO done at this point.
Another 30 minutes later the filter is reinstalled and I’m on my way to go make dinner for the family. As I’m pulling out of the driveway the Hero asks, “Can you save me some dinner for my lunch tomorrow?” Sure dad, of course and I can, and thanks for all you do, I’ll see you tomorrow. Despite the hilarity that ensues, I wouldn’t want to live in a world without you in it. Three hours later I drive home in my new tee shirt skirt.
posted by Erika at @ 9:06 pm | 10 Comments