Dear Jacob,
When you stopped by today I was completely unprepared to see you. To deal with the pain that is still so fresh, so close, so new, after only two days to deal with you moving out. To deal with you choosing to live with you father, despite that meaning that you would have to repeat the 8th grade. I was not ready to drag all that up again, but there you were. I didn’t tell you how I feel. Not about you moving out, you already know about that, but about how I feel about you. No matter what choices you make in life.
You are so determined to leave, that you can’t live here. I know some of that is my fault. I can be hard, hell I AM HARD. But I believe with all my heart that this house is the best, the safest environment for you. I understand that at 15, you can’t process that, you can’t take my word for it, can’t believe me. I understand that, really I do.
What I want you to understand, more than anything, is that I love you. Despite you making decisions that I think are wrong, that are bad choices for you. I am scared for your future. But you know all this. What you don’t know, what I should have said, was simply: I love you.
I don’t know why I didn’t tell you that simple phrase. I’d like to blame it on the shock of you showing up, and being unprepared. In truth, it was probably because I am simply not perfect; I still have a ways to go. You’re not the only one who doesn’t do things perfectly, who makes mistakes. I will continue to try though. I will continue to hope for the best for your future, for your present. To say the cards are stacked against you would be an understatement. But stranger things have happened. I pray stranger things will happen. I love you Jacob, no matter what the future brings.
What I should have said was simply I love you. I will make sure I say it next time, whenever that may be.